Sunday, May 23, 2004

Square holes and coffee talk.

What’s new in the world.

A mother is under arrest for keeping her handicapped children in a deplorable fecal conditions. Halliburton was paid for nothing—sailboat fuel in 15 empty trucks. Prisoners in Iraq are forced to accept Jesus Christ as their saviour. $273K is spent in KS to combat the problem of “Goth” kids. They realize there is no problem, and still no cure for cancer. White house propaganda breaks federal law. The boy scouts are now allowing people who are tolerant of different sexualities to wear patches which signifies that a scout can talk to them about sexual issues. (Too little too late, and it just smells like pink triangles.) A section of airport collapses at Charles de Gaulle killing 5.

What’s new in my world.

Went to a music festival last night. All of the performers were excellent in their own right. I have a problem with the fact that three major themes were covered: sex, broken relationships, and politics. I guess this three dimensional representation is better than the one dimensional—which tends to be sex. (One of the performers sang a song about cum-stains; another sang FOR A HALF HOUR about the intricacies of the female orgasm.) In the midst of all of that, I can’t help but begin to compare my own performances and, as a result, feel very very lonely in the process. I’ve always tried to assimilate bigger concepts into my work, using basic starting points like sex, broken relationships, and politics. Some people whom I regard highly tell me I succeed; I am not yet convinced. I become dismayed when listening to the generic 3-D. It makes me feel limited and small, as though I should stick to the 3-D plan and enjoy myself, rather than seek out and explore issues of old people loneliness, victim trauma, segregation, racism, primogeniture, and, of course, lovely shoes.

Went to a coffee shop today to see if P were there. When I go in searching for P, I pretend to tell the staff that I’m looking for D. On such clandestine scouting occasions, I know that D is never there. Anyway, today I knew D would be there, so I thought I might run into P--this time with a real excuse for stopping by. As the fates so enjoy, it turns out P wasn’t there, so I sat and chatted with D. Was very nice and lovely. I want to see P again; I miss the company, I miss the talking. What is wrong with me.

Standing on the train platform, looking down au café, I saw O walking past. O once told me I looked too intelligent to, in effect, get laid. Back then it made me laugh, then cry. Then cry some more. This was one of the most defining moments as collected, to date.

What O said was so very important to my understanding of people and life. I came away from that analysis understanding how square my peg is, and how round the world seems. I mustn’t extrapolate; I did have a lovely square hole home for a long time. In the meanwhile, I’ve meet several other square pegs. These fellow and fella pegs have found their square holes. But I’m hole-less at the moment. More importantly, and dismally, and oddly enough, some of the most important square pegs in my life are inadvertently hurting me. They don’t mean it, (gee, the definition of inadvertently…) and I don’t know *how* they are hurting me—I’ve not done enough dissection on the issue yet—but there it is.

I hope we get a major massive rainstorm. I miss those. They always make me so happy. I wanted to stop by a different coffee shop this morning to investigate the possibility of another little hot romp with W, but remembered that afterwards there’d be talking, and I may be hard up but I am definitely not *that* hard up. No, I don’t have substantiating proof; just let me be.

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