Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Imagine all the people...

Q: What happens when you’re white, middle aged, and pathetic?
A: You manage things.
Oh.
OK better:
Q: What happens when you’re white, middle aged, pathetic, married, and want to cheat on your wife?
A: You write an e-mail to a woman who is single and beautiful! And then she passes it on to all her friends.

This has to be the worst attempt at flirtation I have seen in along time. Have a look. Commentary in ALL CAPS.


I think you're a pretty nifty UM, THIS IS THE NAUGHTIES, NOT THE FIFTIES lady, and I'd love to get to know you better (plus, I think you're hot, but I'm a sensitive guy, so I'm not allowed to say that first, or they take away my membership). IF YOU HAVE TO SAY IT, IT LOOSES SOMETHING.

As for dinner/coffee/lunch with my family, ARE YOU INSANE? you're more than welcome to contact me any time you want to go out with me and (my child) ARE YOU INSANE?. I wouldn't recommend you join me for coffee with my wife, because we no longer live together and are getting divorced. THE OLDEST LINE IN THE BOOK. The only kind of meals we'll be sharing over the next couple of decades are going to be wretchedly halting, and I wouldn't force anyone to share them with me. WRETCHEDLY OR RETCHEDLY? RETCHEDLY MAKES MORE SENSE IN THE MEAL CONTEXT, BUT HEY, LET’S NOT ASCRIBE UNDUE LITERARY POINTS…

I can think of a variety of reasons you wouldn't be interested in a dinner date with me:
* I'm getting divorced and have a (child)
UM, YEAH THAT’D BE THE BIG ONE
* You're already in another relationship
SHE’LL BE PRETENDING NOW, IF NOT…
* You're "just not that into me"
COULD BE
* You're intimidated by my obviously enormous penis
IF YOU HAVE TO SAY IT, IT LOOSES SOMETHING.
* etc.
IF YOU HAVE TO SAY IT, IT LOOSES SOMETHING.

If you wouldn't mind indicating, broadly speaking, what reasons may apply, I would appreciate it, as that would save my self-esteem from taking a hit on all of them, ARE YOU INSANE? and I could concentrate my self pity appropriately (you need not mention the penis one, LET’S NEVER TALK ABOUT THE PENIS ONE, SHALL WE? I already lost my sensitive guy membership WHAT CLUB ARE YOU JOINING? for that one, so there's no reason to take it any further EVEN IF IT COULD REACH THAT FAR…).

Don't worry, we're cool. OH ARE WE? I'm planning on getting in shape anyway this summer, and you'll be so blinded by my overwhelming physical beauty that you'll be forced to go out with me anyway.ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?

)(

And that, my friends, is why you should never put in e-mail pathetic evidence of being a horny, lecherous, disgusting married man using his poor child and wife as pawns in an attempt to get laid.

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