Thursday, June 02, 2005

Hennepin Cunty, Minnesota

I wish I could work in Hennepin County.

Hennepin County is special.

Mail is never opened on Fridays. Why? Is every Friday Ramadan? Is every Friday Good Friday? Is every Friday Xmas? What could the reason be?

One person in the whole of the Hennepin County Recorder’s Office has been vested with the duty of being the Mail Opener. She alone controls all the mail and packages and FedEx and UPS that is received in Hennepin County.

No one in Hennepin County, Minnesota can open the mail if the mail opener isn’t available. In fact, the staff at the Hennepin County Recorder’s Office never open the mail. Only the mail opener can open the mail. She wears a chic little mumu with the letters EOS emblazoned on the side. EOS: Envelope Opening Specialist.

Is it fucking union, or mafia? I just need to know.

I understand that there is a rumour; a legend, if you will, called Downtown Minneapolis. It is a place where Minnesotans hold three truths to be self-evident: there are “buildings” and “people” and “civilization.”

I envision conversations in Hennepin County going something along the lines of:

Hennepin County Pinhead: "Could you open this envelope please?"
Hennepin County Pinhead: "Well, where's the EOS?"
Hennepin County Pinhead: "Oh, the EOS isn't here?"
Hennepin County Pinhead: "No."
Hennepin County Pinhead: "What shall we do?"
Hennepin County Pinhead: "I dunno, I'm not qualified to open an envelope."
Hennepin County Pinhead: "Well, they don't pay me enough to open one."
Hennepin County Pinhead: "Well, let's go on a break and stick our heads up our asses."
Hennepin County Pinhead: "Sounds good."

I only care about the rumour of Downtown Minneassholepolis because I had a package that was delivered there on Thursday. It needed to be processed. But, the EOS couldn’t get to the mail on Thursday (I assume a package with tape on it must have arrived, throwing her into a complete and utter FUCKING CUNTING TIZZY), so Friday she had all day to relax. Monday was Memorial Day, and Tuesday she went home early, most likely due to a stamp mishap. Let’s not underestimate, or overestimate, the hazards of being an EOS.

Today someone was subbing for the EOS, which I find absolutely impossible; how can anyone learn such a challenging job in one day?, which is why my package still hadn’t been processed.

I really hope they have sweet retarded children working in the mail room. That’s the only way I will ever have compassion for the retards working in Hennepin County.

Government work.


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